with Emily Feig
Becoming a mom has been the most amazing, wonderful, challenging, painful, and sanctifying process, even more than becoming a wife. My husband is the most amazing man in the world, and the blessing of being married to him is more than I can find words for. I learned so much about God’s love through him and through being married to him. But it didn’t change or affect me the way becoming a mom did. Before we even started trying to conceive, I spent a great deal of time praying about it. I turned my desires over to the Lord and asked Him to make my desires match His. I know for so many people it can be a long and painful path, trying for years with no success, and for others, they are trying not to conceive and find themselves pregnant but not ready. I knew I had to trust God’s timing and asked that He give us a baby at when it was His perfect timing, and to help me be content with His timing. We had been trying for 4 months before we conceived. Interestingly, I had peace the first 3 months before testing and with every negative result, but the early morning hours on the day we found out we were pregnant, I was laying in bed, clinging to the daydream of a baby, knowing that my hopes may soon be dashed, but wanting those last few minutes of enjoying what might be. The test was slow to turn positive. Both my husband and I were pretty sure it was not, and my heart was much more disappointed than usual. We continued getting ready for the day, but right before the 5 minute mark, we looked again and saw the faintest positive. My husband was not convinced and suggested we try again the next morning. But I knew. The whole day my body buzzed with nervous energy, my hands shaking, my emotions pent up with no release. Since we were both at work, we had no time to talk or process it, and my husband still wanted to test again to be sure. After another positive test, we were eager to celebrate, and talk, and plan, and enjoy our baby, treasuring the secret until we were ready to share. Everyone had an opinion about pregnancy to share with me. Some women went on and on about how much they had loved being pregnant, how beautiful they felt, how much they loved and missed feeling the little kicks, and how they enjoyed all the attention that being pregnant had brought them. Others recalled how horrible their pregnancies had been, how much it had distorted their bodies, how ready they were for it to be over. For me, I fell somewhere in the middle. Read the rest of this entry
Emily’s guest post below is a beautifully written narrative incorporating throughout her story the answers to the five questions on pregnancy (find them here). Because it is a little longer, I included an excerpt here with a link to the remaining narrative. You won’t want to miss the end of the story!
with Lisa Nelson
1) Describe your experience with pregnancy (trying, discovering, being, labor/delivery, after).Pregnancy with Malia was new and exciting since I had never been pregnant before. I experienced a lot of firsts with her, like feeling her move the first time which was crazy and foreign 🙂 I loved being pregnant, and was so excited when we found out we were pregnant with her. I knew even before the pregnancy test that I was pregnant because I had heart burn which I had never had before, so I thought something was different. I remember the first time I saw the ultrasound of her, I cried seeing her little heartbeat flutter on the monitor! After having Malia we decided to start trying for baby number 2 about two and half years later. We were super excited when we found out we were pregnant. We had shared with our families when I was six weeks pregnant. During my seventh week, I miscarried the baby. We were heart broken by the loss. About four months after our loss we discovered I was pregnant again. We didn’t share it with anyone because we were very fearful of the possibility of losing another baby. I don’t think I actually told anyone until into my second trimester, and even then we didn’t know how to share. For me I had a lot of fear about losing the baby. When I was 25 weeks pregnant, I had a heart procedure after finding out that I had an arrhythmia. I was super scared of losing the baby, but because my heart continued to race at a rapid heart rate both my heart and OB docs decided the safest thing for both of us was to operate. So I had a heart procedure (which I was awake for). Fortunately I could feel the baby move during the procedure which calmed my nerves. When I was 33 weeks pregnant, I had a test come back that was positive for signs of preterm labor and was put on bed rest. You can imagine the fear I had of the baby being born to early and the possibility of losing him. Micah was born 10 days early, and was big and healthy! I was relieved after his birth when I got to hold him, see him, and touch him knowing he was finally with us and safe. While on bed rest with Micah I had a lot of time to reflect on being pregnant. I loved it, even though I was uncomfortable and tired of being in bed. And even after everything I went through with Micah’s pregnancy I wouldn’t have changed anything.
2) How has that experience affected the way you think about your body and/or your self-image?After my miscarriage, I had a lot of doubts about myself. I thought maybe God didn’t think I was a good enough mom to Malia and that this was His way of telling me I shouldn’t have another baby. Eventually I felt His healing in those areas of woundedness and realized I am a good mom, but like all moms have challenges. I struggled with my body image more after Micah was born because I was frustrated that I couldn’t fit into my clothes and felt like I didn’t have time to exercise or do anything for myself. After Micah was 5 months old, I realized that I was struggling with postpartum depression. I didn’t see the signs myself, but Chris and my close friends had noticed changes in my behaviors. Looking back I realized that I felt like a terrible mom who couldn’t do anything for my family. Now I’m feeling better and being treated for the depression, thankfully I’m much more like myself again, and I can see more clearly that having children and balancing my life looks different than I anticipated, but I do love my children, my husband, and even myself. I realize that no mom is perfect, and that my body will never be the same, but then it never has stayed the same. As for my body… I do fit into my clothes again and actually have dropped a size… probably because of nursing and running after two kids all day. But I still have marks on my tummy from where Micah stretched me out, and my skin is not toned, but I’m okay with that. I actually laugh at it sometimes because it reminds me how much bigger I was with Micah than I was with Malia. If you saw me you would agree 🙂 My tummy was much more stretched by him, but he was also almost 2 lbs. bigger!
3) How has that experience affected the way you relate to others?I think I am able to look at even the moms who I think are perfect, and realize that they too are managing in the best ways they can, and while they make some things look so easy they are probably struggling in other areas. I think I also have a greater understanding of the fact that after children we don’t have the same energy we use to, and therefore sometimes things like exercise and eating right get thrown out the door because we’re too tired, or eating on the go in between balancing the kids naps, meals, nursing, and other activities. I find that I relate more to moms who feel like life is always on the go and that having a family is a juggling act. I learn a lot from moms who can give me advice on the importance of time alone, or “quiet time” for mom. I also find that I’m more vulnerable to share what’s going on with me because I know that if I can talk about what I’m going through and experiencing, my guess is that someone else has been there or is also there and can relate.
4) How has that experience affected your spiritual life?I’m learning more about patience and grace daily. Patience for my kids and grace for myself. I’m not a super mom, even though I joke about being one. I’d like to think I’m super enough for what God’s given me. I do find that my quiet times are not like they use to be. I miss having time alone, but I realize that my prayer life goes through seasons and those seasons affect my spiritual journey. I’m discovering that I spend more time praying in the car, in the shower, and when I’m nursing Micah than when I can carve out my own quiet space. So I look forward to times when Chris can take both kids and give me a few hours of quiet that I can refresh myself. Having kids makes me wonder about how God feels about us as his children… life gets busy regardless of kids and feels exhausting… yet God always finds and makes time for us.
5) What word of wisdom or encouragement would you offer other people on a similar journey?Give yourself lots of grace. God knows what you are going though and more than likely you are not alone. Find people you trust that you can talk with or sit with. Take deep breaths and remind yourself that your kids are a blessing, and imagine the way God is smiling at you even when you do crazy things.
What about you?
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