Blog Archives

Guest Post Series: Five Questions on…Dating/Singleness (with Anonymous Girl)

fivequestionsonDating/Singleness

with Anonymous Girl

The post below is a deeply vulnerable and honest response to the five questions.  Because it is a little longer, I included an excerpt here with a link to the remaining questions. You won’t want to miss the end!

1) Describe your relationship to/experience with dating/singleness.  If it has changed over time, describe the change.

In high school, I fell in with the “I Kissed Dating Goodbye” and “True Love Waits” crowd, of my own volition.  I dated a boy for 6 months, but we never kissed.  (Years later, he came out as gay, but that wasn’t a shock.)  In college, my idea was that I wanted to be friends with a guy before I started dating him.  I had serious crushes on a few guys, but they never seemed interested in me, and I wasn’t too concerned about dating.  Dating was only for when you were actually interested in getting married and had time to invest in such a relationship, and I knew I wasn’t ready for that in college.  
 
Post college, my time opened up dramatically, and I was really mad at God that I wasn’t dating anyone.  I thought that was a perfect time to meet someone, date them, and then get married.  Nothing else in my life was working, so couldn’t God at least throw me a bone on that front and let me meet my husband?!  I went through some serious depression (due to a lot of issues), and eventually started my life moving in a better direction, with more hope.  Still no one worth dating came across my path.  From time to time, someone VERY interesting to me would appear, reminding me that somewhere out there, there IS someone interesting whom I will meet and marry, at least I hoped so!
 
At 25, I moved to California and developed a huge crush on a new acquaintance.  Who two months later started dating my polar-opposite roommate.  And two months after that, they were engaged.  I was hurt and disillusioned, figuring that I obviously didn’t have a clue what kind of man could ever be interested in me.
 
Since then, my perspective on God, on life, and on love has changed drastically.  This helped me to understand better what kind of a man I’m looking for, and that someone who previously I wasn’t interested in could actually fit me well.  I tried eHarmony for 4 months and was bitter and angry that none of the men I was interested in messaged me back, and only men I was clearly NOT interested in messaged me.  A year and a half later, I tried another 4-month stint on eHarmony with a much more open mind.  If the profile interested me at all, I initiated conversation, and anyone who messaged me I replied to, even if I wasn’t the least bit interested in them.  I at least got one coffee date out of it, but nothing more.  
 
At 28, I had my first kiss with a man who was a friend of mine, and I FREAKED OUT.  We remained friends, and 6 months after the kiss, we finally talked about it, and realized that maybe there was something real between us.  I dove head first into that relationship, learning a lot about how relationships work (it was my first since high school, barring a few looking-back-that-was-a-date dates). But just a few weeks in, he got a new job in a city 6 hours away and we knew that was a closed door. It was definitely the right decision.  I know we could have made a relationship work, but it would have been a LOT of work, and we probably aren’t the best complement to each other.  But I learned a lot about myself, and had a lot more confidence in myself that I was actually attractive to someone, and that I could actually be a good girlfriend to someone!
 
And then, 6 months after that, I started dating a very good friend of mine.  We had been pseudo-dating for 6 months, spending a lot of 1-on-1 time together, doing somewhat romantic things.  Most of the time we were hanging out, I looked around and realized that anyone who was watching us would think we were on a date, but we weren’t.  He finally asked me on a “date date”, and I was thrilled. I really liked him, and was excited that something that felt so natural and started with the foundation of a close friendship was actually panning out into a real dating relationship!
 
I was so excited, I told my 20 closest friends.  I had a LOT of confidence in the relationship because we already knew each other so well.  I knew he was a keeper because it would take us at least to the 6-month mark to learn something about each other or the relationship that we didn’t already know.  We even talked about how awesome it was that we started out as such good friends and that was the perfect foundation to build a future together.  A few weeks into the relationship, he asked if I wanted us to be a “couple”, which I readily agreed to.  One week after that, he said he “wasn’t feeling the romance of the relationship”.  I was floored, and we haven’t really spoken since.  He was kind about it, but I’m still very confused why, if he wasn’t actually attracted to me romantically, he asked me out to begin with.  That was several months ago, and while I miss his friendship and the time we spent hanging out, I don’t really miss him.  That’s probably a sign that maybe we weren’t right for each other, anyway, but knowing that doesn’t make me any less lonely.
 
I think the hardest part is that in my life, I have some professional ambition, but the only thing I KNOW I want out of life is to be a wife and mother.  When everything else is confusing, it is really easy to focus on that one aspect of my life, and blame God for my being single.  I don’t necessarily regret the freedom I’ve had, nor do I want to trade places with my friends who are already mothers.  I just wish I were a step or two closer to that being my own reality. I’ve had seasons where I’m very content being single – having the freedom to drop everything and go out of town for the weekend, or extend a business trip for a few days of vacation.  But there are other seasons where all I can think about is finding my husband.  I scan the pews at church, looking for cute men of an appropriate age, then checking out their left hands and being disappointed that “all the good men have been snatched up!”
 
So I don’t really know what to do about all that, except trying to keep an open mind, a grateful heart, and a full schedule so I don’t sit at home and mope about how lonely I am.  🙂
 

2) How has that relationship/experience affected the way you think about your body and/or your self-image?

 I’ve never been an overly girly-girl, probably as a reaction to the fact that I’ve never been the “hot” or “cute” girl, and being 5’9″ and 200 pounds, I’m bigger than average.  I’m usually okay with that, I am just acknowledging that it takes a certain kind of man to find someone with my body shape and size attractive.  I don’t believe I’m ugly, I’ve just come to terms with the reality that I’m not a stunner, either, and that looks do matter to men, to probably a greater extent than they do to me.  (Just about any man in the -2/+10 year range who is 6’3″ or taller is attractive in my book!)
 
I had a season in the post-college stage where I thought my gender was invisible. Read the rest of this entry
Advertisements

Guest Post Series: Five Questions on…Dating/Singleness (with Stacey)

fivequestionsonDating/Singleness

with Stacey Schwenker

1) Describe your relationship to/experience with dating/singleness.  If it has changed over time, describe the change.

I was single throughout high school and did not date or have a boyfriend until college.  Then I went through a long string of boys that felt very back-to-back (2 of them were and some could say I was not honorable to one guy as I began a relationship with another).  When I began seminary, at the age of 25, I began what has been a long period of singleness.  Through this time I have pursued both wholeness/healing (actively seeking counseling and other ways to emotionally and relationally grow) as well as my vocational goals (mostly in ministry).
 
At my current age of 31 and three-quarters, I have mixed feelings about dating and singleness.  Mixed mainly because some days I feel consumed by how horrid the situation is and I am convinced that I shall be alone forever.  While other days I feel calm and collected and convinced of how wonderful I am and how wonderful God is, so that surely I shall not be alone forever.
 
I question whether my personality, past, or theological achievements (obtaining a Master of Divinity) make me unappealing to men.  Yet the desire to share life with another is just enough hope to continue to pray for a partner and believe that God will bring me someone (if that’s even good terminology…).
 

2) How has that relationship/experience affected the way you think about your body and/or your self-image?

Again, mixed feelings.  Mostly I put a lot of effort into my body.  Not in the sense that I obsess about it and try to look amazing, rather it’s quite the opposite.  I listen to it and try to eat healthy and exercise regularly.  I care about its well-being and taking care of it.  I put more energy into becoming a person who seeks after God and can be a fair friend than I do about my physical image.  Even so, I have deep and ugly fears that my body is something that is keeping men away from me.  I don’t pluck my eyebrows and I have thicker thighs. 
 
My thoughts about my body have come from a complexity of stories melded together.  Most likely I came to the current story from three main places.  First, is with my family and how I learned to value myself with a body.  There’s definitely an overtone of being thin that is present and my father is regularly ridiculed by and in front of the entire family for being overweight.  It’s taken a long time to fight judgmental voices that became a constant in my head and plagued me with most outfits and certainly every hair-do. 
 
Second, is with my boyfriends.  Depending on the day I’ll tell you that I’ve had 3 or 4 significant relationships.  Two of them were great and celebrated my body with generosity and complete embrace.  One of them seemed great but turned out to be more selfish than loving.  The other one was kind of a jerk the whole time and rejected me regularly.  It became a game of seduction where I sought to be a master.  Even now I am struggling with the repercussions of feeling continually unwanted and unwelcomed by any prospective man.  As if I am too much or too little.  Mostly it feels like both at the same time.
 
Third, is how my body has changed over the years.  It’s been 7 years since I’ve dated anyone and my body is not how it was then.  Honestly, I worry about not being attractive and fight against the lie that this has been causing my singleness.  I feel more and more comfortable in my skin.  Yet somehow men do not come to me.  What’s a woman to do…?
 

3) How has that relationship/experience affected the way you relate to others?

There isn’t enough space on this computer to adequately answer this question!  I will say that I am completely conscientious, honest, and present with everyone in my life.  I strive to love and honor them.  I strive to admit when I am wrong and make amends.  I am weary of my need to attach to someone (I’m a co-dependent) and have to fight hard to have balance and health in my relationships.  Though, I do fight hard.  I’m not flippant anymore and I am willing to work.  Mostly, the affects have been positive.
 

4) How has that relationship/experience affected your spiritual life?

I’ve certainly experienced a lot more growth.  Honesty does that.  I’ve let God get closer than I could have imagined.  And I also see how much further I have to go.  Because I write weekly (and publically) about this aspect of my life – relationships and spirituality – I’ve spent a great deal reflecting on it. 
 
And I see things to be so inter-connected.  I consider my motivations and the larger networks at play in my life.  For example, I can’t think about dating without thinking about how busy I’ve let me life become, the I consider my vocational dreams, then I think about my ability to trust God, then I consider patience, and then faith verses works, and on and on.  Ultimately, the more I consider the more peace I have and the more I feel God’s presence. 
 
Perhaps the greatest benefit has been being peeled back like an onion in the presence of God.  I feel more known with God since I am actively writing about my singleness and wondering where God is in all of it.  Though, it doesn’t take away the questions, loneliness, or fear entirely.  But it does bring more meaning to my life and a greater calm.
 

5) What word of wisdom or encouragement would you offer other people on a similar journey?

We must be patient and never lose hope.  God is a creative God and will bring us unexpected things.  We can knead the dough we’re given and see what will rise. Invite Him into where you are.  Reflect on what you are doing.  We have the potential to do so much, right now!  We must not let any lies or fears get in our way.  I truly believe that when we pursue Him, He will grant us the desires of our hearts.

 

Crazy Hair
 

What about you?

Have your own answers to these questions? Why not share them? Email your responses and a recent picture to bodytheologyblog at gmail dot com.  You can also post anonymously if you wish.

 

Guest Post Series: Five Questions on…Dating/Singleness (with Tammy)

fivequestionsonDating/Singleness

with Tammy Waggoner

1) Describe your relationship to/experience with dating/singleness.  If it has changed over time, describe the change.

Hmm. I’ve been single for 31 almost 32 years. For the most part I consider my relationship with singleness like riding a roller coaster. There are times where I’m perfectly fine, I look at families or couples and I’m happy for them without a hint of bitterness. But I admit to times where I am absolutely bitter toward everyone else that has exactly what I want.
 
It’s funny because I was a boy chaser even when I was a kid. In Elementary school I used to trade boyfriends like pudding cups at lunch. I would chase boys hoping that one would be my boyfriend.  In High School that didn’t change much, I was now chasing them around the church and kissing them in the red room (a day care room with a bright red EXIT sign). In college I was still boy crazy and went to parties kissing boys and sitting on their laps. I was a tease but I always had a man on my arm and at bars I always had a dance partner.
 
In my adulthood I have dated using less out there forms of trying to be in a relationship. I’m internet dating which brings its own stigmas and problems. 
 
I know that I am complete in my singleness. I am a complete person who sometimes gets lonely and misses the fun of being in relationship during the in-between times of relationship. I’m not looking for someone to complete me just a partner in crime.
 

2) How has that relationship/experience affected the way you think about your body and/or your self-image?

My self-image is pretty intact. There are moments when I doubt my ability to catch a mate but that rarely has to do with my self-image or my body image. Most of the time it has to do with how much of myself I should show at the beginning or even at the superficial stage of a relationship. My body image is pretty healthy but I do have certain parts of myself I wish I could change.
 
The one thing that I wish I could change is my brokenness. I have a past that is full of damage and brokenness and scars and there are times when those scars seem insurmountable. But other times they feel behind me. So it’s a toss up. Not quite like a roller coaster, more like I take two steps forward and seem to take one step back so that I am constantly getting somewhere while also being stuck in the past, a contradiction no matter how you look at it. 
 
No matter my past and brokenness, I love me. I love my tattoo even if that make others turn away from me. I love my glasses even if they present my smarts on the outside, let’s get serious there’s no way to hide them. I love my breasts, their just the right size and I’m proud of them, for years it was like two bee stings :). I love my legs, they’re long and yet I’m short. I love my dainty hands and my hips and my eyes and some-days my hair, but that’s mostly because I’m growing it out and the in-between stage is annoying. I am completely happy with me, which I think makes me less likely to fall for any line or anyone because I am confident in who I am and what I offer and bring to a relationship from the inside out.
 

3) How has that relationship/experience affected the way you relate to others?

I kind of already answered this above but I’ll give it another go just in case :). Because my self-image inside and out is strong I represent a strong person. I relate to people from a real place with real understanding of who I am and I hope it doesn’t come off as arrogant but I’ve learned along the way that changing yourself for another person does nothing for you. In the end you lose part of yourself and miss out on something because you chose not to be yourself.
 

4) How has that relationship/experience affected your spiritual life?

The brokenness that I was talking about earlier plays a huge part in my spiritual life. God through prayer and God through friends has taught me how valuable I am and he works at chipping away every part of my self that is still false. 
 
For this to make sense I need to reveal a bit more about myself. Abuse, of a sexual nature, has been a huge part of my life. I was abused as a child, in my college days and a little right after college. Abusers are never silent in their abuse. They are MEAN and if they say crap often enough and with enough VIOLENCE you begin to believe them. They put in your mind a false self, a self that allows them to chip pieces of you away. 
 
Over the past 5 years God has been guiding me through smashing these false pieces to oblivion. He still works with me on certain pieces that have held on a lot tighter. We work together to smash the false to let the real shine through. 
 
I am transparent with God so that together we can beat back the false pieces of me.
 

5) What word of wisdom or encouragement would you offer other people on a similar journey?

Advice. Hmm….don’t present a false self to anyone. Be yourself in any situation. If you spend your time presenting a false self to anyone then you won’t know when you are really being yourself. 
 
Also boundaries are really important. We don’t lay our entire selves out on the line for everyone at the beginning because people need to earn our trust. It’s not something we should freely give. In my earlier days, I used to broadcast my virginity (now that you know my past you know how false that was) or my desire to go to seminary because I thought I could scare people away from me. The problem with that is BAD or misguided people feed on that crap and it allows people into your life that have no business being there. 
 
Trust yourself that you are enough. For an entire season in my life I had a post-it note on my mirror that said you are beautiful and soon I began to believe it. Put reminders all over your space to remind yourself that you are enough and you are worth protecting and worth waiting for. Don’t settle for half your worth and keep forging and pursuing what you are worth, soon the roller coaster will reach another high point and your bitterness will falter and you will see your singleness for what it is: a time to get yourself right and prepare yourself to be with someone else without losing who you are.
Pinterest Bridesmaid dress
 

What about you?

Have your own answers to these questions? Why not share them? Email your responses and a recent picture to bodytheologyblog at gmail dot com.  You can also post anonymously if you wish.

%d bloggers like this: